February 9 2010 – Tip #215

Suzie writes: "I am grappling with a major life issue and am hoping you
won't mind giving me a bit of direction. I have had a co-dependent
relationship with my mother for many years (probably since I was
little) and recently I have had to put her in a nursing home due to
health problems. She is 96 and for the last 5 years has been living in
hostel care which is a few steps before a nursing home.
 
"Something
in me is finding this extremely hard to deal with as I see my mother's
health deteriorating and her mental decline. Something in me feels
helpless and out of control as up to now I have been spending a few
hours everyday assisting her to live somewhat independently. I'm
sensing something in me is feeling that she is slipping off a cliff
edge and I am holding her but if I let go of her something bad will
happen to me as well. Something in me is very scared of being out of
control.
 
"I would appreciate any advice you can give me and am happy to share this problem with others."

Dear Suzie,
It's good that you're aware you need some extra support with this big issue. Good for you, for reaching out.

And
I know you're already doing Focusing with this. I hear you using some
of the Presence Language of Inner Relationship Focusing when you say
"Something in me is very scared of being out of control."

When
you're aware of something like that, the next step is to sense it in
your body–where you feel the scared feeling, and what it feels like.

Why?
Because this is a long-term issue with a familiar and complex
dynamic–what we call a "Tangle." It's easy to talk and think about it instead of sensing it freshly, here and now.

It's a radical idea, I know, the idea that something that has been a problem for many years might feel differently today.
Logic says, why would it? Well, why would your garden look differently
this morning than it did yesterday morning. Because it's full of
life… and so are your issues.

Let me say a little about what it means to have a co-dependent relationship–because believe me, I have been there!

It means many things, but one thing it means is that I feel that the other person's feelings are my responsibility. Your pain is my pain. Your anger means I'm to blame. Your sadness means
I'm inadequate to make you happy. I'm connected to you but in a way
that leaves neither of us free to be ourselves. As a reaction, I might
try to cut off the other person in order to have something of my own
life… but that's co-dependence too.

Not being co-dependent
means having connection and autonomy at the same time. We are two
people, each fully responsible for our feelings, and we are connected.

So
how might IR Focusing help with that healing process? Well… you might
invite a body feeling of the part of you that is scared of what would
happen if the other person (your mother) has her own feelings.

There
is history here. These dynamics were set in place long ago. But they
also form freshly, in the situation that is here now. So in you – now –
there is something not wanting to stand next to your mother as a free, complete being and for her to be that as well.