“I have feelings that I’m ashamed to say out loud, and part of me hates them.”
Tamir writes:
“Since I started to practice Focusing last year I’ve been unable to Focus alone. And now I am in a big mess in my life, with feelings that I am ashamed to say out loud, and when I am trying to Focus on those feelings I feel overwhelmed. I can’t say they are part of me. I feel the feeling all over me, and if I say ‘something in me,’ it’s a lie. Part of me hates these feelings. It’s hard to deal with them. Maybe you can give me some tips?”
Dear Tamir,
Thank you so much for writing. You remind me a lot of myself! I started doing Focusing when I was 22 years old, and I had never done anything at all like it before. At first I could feel nothing. I certainly couldn’t do Focusing alone.
Then when I started to be able to have feelings, they were all very shameful feelings. I felt like I was turning over rocks that hadn’t been moved in a long time, and on the underside of the rocks there were slimy, crawly things that no one would want to see.
It was a hard time, a very hard time. My life was hard, and Focusing was hard, because every time I did Focusing I was afraid my Focusing partner would look at me with disgust after hearing my feelings.
I remember how hard it was to get up the courage to say how I felt. But I had no choice. Like inside I was saying, “OK, if you hate me, then you hate me, but I have to say this.”
Then I would say it, and I would hear the other person, my Focusing partner, say it back to me in a calm warm voice. It actually didn’t bother them! It was a miracle that happened over and over until I finally began to believe (after many months) that maybe my feelings were not so horrible.
In those days we didn’t usually say “something in me,” and Focusing worked anyway. If you feel that saying “something in me” is a lie, then don’t say it. Focusing should be about sensing what is true, what is really so, as you feel it right now.
Focusing is the ultimate in being in touch with reality
Focusing is all about sensing what is actually here, how you are, what you feel, right now. Not just what you think you feel, and certainly not what you should feel, but what you really do feel.
Yes, it will be best if you can find a little distance, or a little difference, from what you feel. Saying “something in me” is one way to do that. Another way to do that is to put a gentle hand on the feeling place in your body.
My amazing teacher Gene Gendlin always says that for Focusing we need a friendly attitude. And when people say “What if I can’t be friendly?” he replies, “Then see if you can be friendly to that.” See if you can be friendly to the not-friendly.
See if you can be friendly to the part of you that hates your feelings. See if you can be friendly to feeling overwhelmed. See if you can be friendly to not wanting to say “something in me.” Stay true to what is true. And somewhere in there, Focusing will find you.