“I had a sense of emptiness, this is not going anywhere, nothing is coming.”
Jean writes:
“Yesterday, after I had completed my weekly session with my Focusing partner, an idea crossed my mind, that this was my LAST Focusing session overall. I had a sense of emptiness; this is not going anywhere; nothing is coming up; I felt I was just scratching the surface. In that session, I was in a mode of: ‘I want/I should.’ I wanted to find a purpose for my life… to be able to have a face to face conversation with my son… to be able to have intimacy with others, to be able to connect with people in a non-superficial manner… to make a difference in the life of others… not to be so self-centered! A real sense of frustration with all these parts in me. I felt like escaping… finishing it all. Not that it would solve anything…my head knows.
“Frequently, I wake up in the middle of the night with some feeling of anxiety. Sometimes, it is an emotion that, I realize, was repressed during the day, or it could be some deep desire of being able to connect with my son or with other people in general, just a sense of emptiness, etc. This is very unpleasant. And I will remain awake during the rest of the night.
“I have the impression that my ‘controlling part’ is very active. All these things that I want to happen. I don’t know if these two types of issues are related. Should I do some Focusing on these ‘I want/I should’ feelings? Could Focusing help me at not being so regularly awakened during the night?
Dear Jean,
Yes, ‘controlling-type’ parts can be strongly dissatisfied with our Focusing! “We didn’t do enough to solve our problems!” And these feelings can often come right at end of a Focusing session. Even if we are careful to be Self-in-Presence all through a session, a part can jump in at the end that doesn’t think enough has been accomplished. Please say Hello to that!
As you know, Self-in-Presence is a way of being — a quality of energy — where we can make an allowing space for ANY experience we are having. It’s a trusting state, and with difficult issues it’s not easy at first, but with practice we can cultivate Self-in-Presence more and more. The way to cultivate this way of being is to BE it — for example by saying Hello to any part of you that is anxious or untrusting.
If you have a sense of emptiness, just be with that. Emptiness has a quality…there is more there. There is a richness there. It might be that ’emptiness’ is a place where something is hiding…and it might be hiding because another part of you is ready to jump on it critically and say, “That’s not enough!” That’s why it can be so important to acknowledge ALL our parts.
Like this: “I’m saying Hello to a feeling of emptiness in my chest AND I’m saying Hello to something in me that feels impatient with that, wants something to happen.”
Do you feel that? If you identified with the impatient part, then no wonder the other part is hiding!
Waking up at night with anxiety
If your ‘controlling’ parts don’t get enough Focusing time during the day, then they will very likely wake you up at night. This is a type of part that is very anxious, and its anxiety is connected to longing and worries that you will never get what you are longing for.
How would you do Focusing with a part like that? Of course, start with acknowledging it, saying “Hello I know you’re there.”
Next, let it know you wonder if it might be worried about something. Let it know you are willing to be its listener and simply hear all that it is worried about. In this case it is probably wanting to tell you what it is worried will never happen, like connecting with your son in a deep way.
It’s really great when our process reveals what we are deeply wanting. Let the wanting itself be felt in your body. There is something in you anxious you won’t get what you want, AND there is the wanting itself. Perhaps it is the feeling of the wanting that is underneath the emptiness, trying to live.
You don’t have to know how to fulfill the wanting. You just need to let it live in your body. Then IT will know the way forward.