“How does one know when to reassure and when to simply allow?”
Jo writes:
“A recent Tip came in perfect timing to help me with something that has been difficult. I’m working through childhood sexual abuse and regularly experience waking from a recurring nightmare. Reading your response to the reader in Tip #361, I realized that it is no wonder that I have been unable to reassure the frightened little girl inside me — the part of me that has been trying to reassure her is another frightened part — the part that is scared that the nightmare will never end. What a revelation.
Then I read the Tip again and wondered if there is something even more subtle here for me. It feels like the right thing to do, to try to reassure the terrified little girl inside me who thinks someone is attacking her. But when I read: “So be that space. Keep turning toward what is here, allowing it to be as it is,” I wondered — am I forgetting a key Focusing practice in rushing so quickly to reassure her? Would I be better to try to simply be that space, turn toward the frightened little girl and allow her to be as she is, trusting that in turning toward, she will find her own way through? How does one know when working through something like this when to reassure and when to simply allow?”
Dear Jo,
I want to appreciate you for noticing that the one rushing to reassure the frightened little girl inside is another frightened part. (The key word there is “rushing”…)
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t reassure ourselves, of course. So your question — how does one know when the reassurance is coming from part of us, and when from the whole Self — is a great one.
(Why does it matter? Because if reassurance is coming from another frightened part, it will not actually be reassuring!)
Here is what I would recommend: Be spacious Self-in-Presence, turn toward the frightened little girl, and make a gentle connection with her. “I am here with you.” Possibly letting a gentle hand move to where you feel her in your body, will let that contact happen. The touch of the gentle hand is to say “I am here” in a tactile way.
Next invite what kind of contact she would like from you right now. If she asks for reassurance, feel free to give it – because you have been asked. If she asks to be held, give that… but it’s equally likely that she may indicate she needs some time, to stand back a bit.
When we are present for what our parts and emotional places need from us, we can be more sure that we haven’t gotten identified with “something” in us that is trying to make the feelings go away by rushing to soothe and fix them.
“Isn’t self-soothing a good thing?”
Self-soothing is indeed a good thing! How nice to give ourselves the activities and qualities that we can sense would be needed! That might be anything from an inner hug to a warm bath or a peaceful hour of meditation.
This is where we make the kind of distinction that Focusers love: It’s not the activity itself that makes something desirable versus problematic. It’s the way we do the action, the place in us from which we do it. So if you discover that the urge to soothe came from a part of you that can’t stand how uncomfortable something feels…well, say a gentle Hello to that!