Do you know someone who is arrogant, touchy, mocking, boastful, and defensive? Is there any way to influence such a person?
A Reader writes:
I have heard that your Untangling method talks about types of parts, for example a type of part in us that’s impulsive in actions and words (including bad language), arrogant, touchy, mocking, boastful, defensive, and refusing to follow any rules or moral guidelines.
The thing is, this sounds like people that I know — including one who is in the news a lot right now. Is there anything that can be done to influence such people?
Dear Reader:
In the theory of Untangling that Barbara McGavin and I have developed there are several different types of parts. Many of us move back and forth between different parts, or even – best of all – move into Self-in-Presence where we are not identified with any part. But it’s also possible to stay identified with just one part so that that seems to be one’s nature. We’d say that a person behaving as you describe is identified with a Rebelling Defender.
How do you influence a person like that? First of all, do not get identified with its counterpart, which would be a Scolding Protector. Scolding or trying call down rules on such a person will just make matters worse.
In fact the best way to influence or inspire anyone is to not be identified with any type of part. Be Self-in-Presence — curious, interested, alert, in touch with a wider perspective. Interact freely by listening to what matters most to the people around you, and by sharing your own values and views.
That does NOT mean agreeing to the outrageous things this Defender-identified person is saying or proposing. Self-in-Presence, as we operate with real people, is not just sweet and nice and empathic. When we are Self-in-Presence in the world we can also set clear boundaries and stand up for what we believe and know. Compassion plus the strength of clarity is an unstoppable force. Good luck. (And don’t forget to vote.)
