When difficult feelings are triggered bringing up old memories, what do you do with the part of you that doesn’t want to accept that?
Michelle writes:
I am finding that often when I do Focusing, when I come across a difficult feeling, there are often old memories that are triggered, and there is often a part that doesn’t want to accept that the feeling is present. I also often have a difficult time recognizing that part. Perhaps because I am identified with it? I’m wondering if you have any specific suggestions for me.
Dear Michelle:
It’s very common to have an inner “war” over feelings. A part of you has a difficult feeling, and another part of you is trying to protect you from feeling that. That sounds simple but inside us it can feel like numbness, distraction, the inability to concentrate, even shame.
When the difficult things first happened, the things that led to the difficult feelings, you didn’t have the help and support in your environment that would have enabled you to be with the feelings and let them move through you. No one around you was able to give you the calm understanding Presence that you would have needed.
In the absence of that, a young part of you took on the job of handling the existence of those feelings… by not accepting them. That was the best it could do to try to save you from those disregulating feelings.
Now, things are different. You can be Self-in-Presence, which means giving yourself that self-compassionate environment in which all feelings can be accepted. But the parts of you don’t all know that yet. They are still trying to save you as they always did.
How do you recognize that you’ve become identified with a part of you that doesn’t allow or accept difficult feelings?
One good way is to accept whatever feelings you feel. Say to your feelings, “Hello, I know you are there.” That will attune you to be aware of any part of you that is not accepting. Then say “Hello” to that part of you too.
Every part of you is trying to save your life… and when you can be Self-in-Presence and turn with interested curiosity to any part of you, the ancient wars begin to release.
