How can you help someone with a severe inner critic? Read on…
Mark writes:
I’m reaching out to see if you could offer any guidance on how to work with a client who has a powerful and severe inner critic. Most of the time, they are so merged with this part that disidentification just isn’t something that feels true to them.
Dear Mark:
My guess is that your client isn’t merged with the inner critic. My guess is that your client is merged with “the criticized one” — the part in them that the inner critic is attacking.
As soon as you invite your client to turn toward the part that is attacking and criticizing, it’s like you’re inviting them to be friendly to their abuser.
That just isn’t going to happen — and no wonder!
What I have found helpful when I have a client with a severe inner critic is to invite their compassion and tender care for the one in them who is being attacked.
“Something in you is feeling really beaten up and attacked right now.”
“Maybe you can feel that in your body, the feeling of being criticized right now.”
(The client responds, for example, “My chest feels caved in, like my whole body is cringing.”)
“OK, so maybe you can be with that caved in feeling in your chest. Maybe let a gentle hand go there. Like you’re saying to it, I know this is so hard for you.”
Yes, we do have ways to listen to the not-wanting of inner criticizing parts. But some people can’t even begin to do those until they can spend time with the “criticized one” inside… slowly building their ability to be kind and compassionate with themselves. From there, so much more becomes possible,
