Can doing Focusing make things worse? Read on…
Andrea writes:
I often find myself wondering if I’m “making it worse” by “dwelling on” heavy sorrowful stuff. I was just Focusing and I was taken into a place that I don’t want to go or often push away. Does the pausing and being with expand these states of mind? Is Focusing not helping, just making me worry more than I would otherwise?
I had my daughter when I was 42… and now she is 30. I worry that when she is ready to have a child, me and her dad will be too old to be good grandparents. That’s just one example.
Dear Andrea:
It sounds like you are talking about something more than just stressful feelings. You are also dealing with stressful thoughts… so let’s talk about how to do Focusing so that the thoughts don’t just take over and make us feel worse.
First, I recommend using the language of “something in me” when relating to both feelings and stressful thoughts. Using your example, that might be: “Something in me is worried that I will be too old to be a good grandparent.”
Next—very important—don’t respond! Instead, say, “I’m saying Hello to the part of me that’s worried about that. Hello!”
Now see if you can feel it in your body. Tense shoulders? Jumpy stomach? Take a moment just to acknowledge and sense what the body feeling is like. Then say to the body feeling, “I know you’re there, and I’m with you.”
If you like, you can take the next step of listening to the part of you that’s worried. Let it tell you what it’s most worried about. And when it does, keep letting it know you hear it. No argument, no reassurance. That way it will really feel heard.
All of these steps are about cultivating Self-in-Presence and being with how you feel instead of having the thoughts and feelings take you over… what you call “dwelling on” the feelings.
It’s remarkable how things can shift when we stay in relationship with how we feel (and think) instead of struggling with it. Let me know how it goes!
