“What do I do about a part that doesn’t want anything or anyone?”
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Masha writes: “Sometimes I feel a part of me emerging that does NOT want any intimate contact with me, the Focuser, being curious about it, or any kind of closeness. If I try to be curious about this part, it says, ‘go f**** yourself!!! get away!!!’. I also have trouble sleeping, feeling agitation, irritation, and restlessness. As though something says, ‘I don’t want to live in this body anymore, I just want to get away’. What do I do about a part that feels it doesn’t want anything or anyone?”
Dear Masha,
You’ve often heard me talk about being Self-in-Presence, bringing gentle compassion and curiosity to any part of yourself. But what if you find a part that doesn’t want that compassionate, warm contact? It pushes you away, it says ‘to hell with you’ or worse.
Trust is the issue here. This sounds like a part in pain that doesn’t trust you… or anyone… to be able to help.
I remember when I was in my 20s, my roommate and I were painting our apartment. Her goofy cat Frostbite jumped up on the ladder, and the whole thing fell down — ladder, paint, cat, everything. Frostbite’s tail was trapped in the bend of the ladder, and he was yowling in fear and pain.
I went close to try to get him free, and guess what? He scratched me. (That’s how cats say ‘go f**** yourself!!! get away!!!’.)
I wasn’t mad at Frostbite. I managed to get him free, and he was OK… and I didn’t hold a grudge. (Neither did he.) I understood that he was terrified and in pain, and at that moment he didn’t know he could trust me.
So when you find a part of you inside, and you bring it compassion and curiosity, there is a possibility that you will feel it pushing you away. “I don’t want you, I don’t trust you, go away!”
If this happens, don’t go all the way away, but do back up a bit. It clearly doesn’t want a hug! It’s letting you know that it needs some space, and it’s letting you know that trust is an issue.
As Self-in-Presence you can compassionately understand that from ITS point of view, it doesn’t feel safe with you. (Or maybe with another part of you…)
That’s OK. Just be there at a respectful distance. Trust is earned. It has some good reason to be feeling so agitated. When it starts to believe that you aren’t going to judge it or hurt it, maybe it will start to let you know what is bothering it so much.
“I don’t want to live in this body any more…”
So you’re having trouble sleeping, feeling agitation, irritation, restlessness. It’s as if something in you says, “I don’t want to live in this body any more, I want to get away.”
I’d suggest you very kindly let it know you hear it.
Something in you is crying out in a kind of pain, and at least you can hear how bad it feels.
In the bad feeling there is also a “knowing” that something is not right. But perhaps it has never been heard or respected. If YOU are there to respect it, to hear it, that is already a big change.
Notice I’m not suggesting that you tell it to feel differently. This is important. It can feel exactly how it feels. You are there to listen. Even if what it wants is to run away, to be out of your body, you listen kindly. That is already a big change.
