"I needed and wanted to totally BE those feelings."
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Justin writes: "A few days ago, something happened in my life that came as a complete shock and filled me with all sorts of extremely intense 'dark, negative' feelings. Gladly, I am in a completely different place now as I write this.
"But at the time, when I thought about doing Focusing, there was absolutely no way Focusing was going to happen. When I thought about getting a little distance from the intense feelings, there was an equally intense reaction of 'NO!' in my belly. I needed and wanted to stay in those feelings, to totally BE those feelings.
"In other words, I guess those feelings didn't want to be looked at. There was no way that I could get out of them, and no way I wanted to. I felt I needed and wanted to be in the thick of them. I was angry and upset, frustrated, scared and sad, feeling rejected — all at once. And it felt necessary and comforting to be there.
"The trouble is, I had to work immediately after this 'horrible' event occurred to me, and I couldn't get beyond my feelings of reaction. My anger, especially, came out at the people I worked with, and a part of me just didn't care, because I was hurting so badly. The people I work with told me that my energy was extremely strong and intense (not to mention unpleasant)."
Justin, I was following along with you, nodding my head, until you got to the part about going to work. Whoa! What we have here is an absence of Presence!
It's quite true that as we process our emotional states, there may be times when what feels right is to stay in them, to feel them intensely, to be "in the thick of them" as you say. But that is a choice, made from our larger Self-in-Presence, to enter into the feelings and allow them to be there fully. We'd still want to say to the feelings, "Yes, I feel how strong you are." The feelings can be there fully AND we can be Present with them.
But the fact that you went to work and the anger came out at others makes it clear that you were not in Presence. So I do think that a part of you took over and didn't want to let go. And the fact that it felt "comforting" for that to happen is, I'm afraid, not a guide to the rightness of it. (As a former alcoholic drinker I will never believe in the rightness of doing an action just because it feels comforting!)
If you have no control over yourself, you're not in Presence
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In our last Getting Unblocked E-zine, I wrote, "If you have to 'control' yourself, you're not in Presence." This time, I'm writing what might seem like the opposite. But not really.
When I am Self-in-Presence I am able to be with my emotional states, but my emotional states are not in the driver's seat. My emotional states don't control my actions.
So if I decided I needed to go to work even though I had just had a severe emotional shock, I would make sure my reactive parts understood what that meant. I would say to them, "I really really hear how upset you are. And no wonder! But now we need to go to work. While we're there, I'll keep acknowledging you internally, but I will also be calm and get my work done. And then when we get home again, I'll invite you back out so you can tell me more about how angry and upset you are."
So Justin, the next time strong feelings come, find a safe, solid place to sit or stand, and choose to let those feelings be there as fully as they want to be. Say to them, "Yes, I really sense how strong you are! No wonder you would be so strong!" And as you do that, remember: you, as Self-in-Presence, are the one who is being with those feelings.
