"I got a huge opening–but how does it relate to my issue?"
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A reader writes: "This morning I focused with my Focusing partner on my big issue. A huge opening occurred where after many minutes of 'sitting shiva' with profound grief in my chest, my whole body opened up, my breath expanding like a balloon, and I chose to finish the session standing up, to create enough space for all the opening that was happening — wow! So that was great!
"My question is, I realized later that I have no idea how that experience concretely relates to the issue I started with. Would you have recommended that I somehow ask the felt sense about how that whole process related to the issue? Or is that not necessary? Maybe sometimes an opening happens like that, and then you just start noticing more creativity, flow, etc. in that area of your life? Sometimes when I'm focusing, I'm moved at the end from Presence to ask a positive feeling if it has anything it wants to offer me or share with me, but that didn't happen this time."
Dear Reader,
This great question gives me the opportunity to say a couple of important things.
First, how important is understanding? In terms of how process works, I have noticed that understanding usually comes last. Think of it in terms of a journey. Understanding is like being able to see the whole map. But you don't have to see the whole map in order to have a successful journey. All you need is to know that you're on the right path.
The body gives immediate, concrete signals of rightness. When you feel a little sigh, a deeper breath, it's like your body saying, "This much is right." Sometimes a sheen of tears comes to the eyes, to signal "That is true." What you experienced in that session – an opening so big that you had to stand up to make room for it – was a BIG signal of rightness.
And notice – because this is how Focusing works – the opening was not only a "signal" of rightness, it WAS the rightness. It was your body process moving forward into a new place.
So then something in you wants to understand. "What did that mean? Was it about my issue?" I would recommend saying Hello to that "wanting to understand" as a part of you… because it can interfere with the receiving of the felt shift. A part of us thinks we have to understand what is happening in order for it to work, or in order for it to be true. No.
Sometimes we DO understand. Sometimes an insight accompanies a felt shift. There's no problem with that.
But don't think that change only happens if we understand. The change is already happening. The understanding comes later.
Issues and What's Deeper
You've probably heard me say that it can be helpful to start your Focusing process with an issue.
But something interesting often happens when we start Focusing with a particular life issue. We get deeper. That particular life issue has its roots in something further, something more essential.
Let's say I start Focusing with my issue about how hard it is to get myself to make phone calls. A typical action block. I invite the felt sense of the part of me that doesn't want to make the calls. I get a sad, achy feeling in my body, and I stay with that, just keeping it company.
An image starts to come. I see a little kid standing at the edge of a playground, wanting to be invited to join the other kids. I feel the sad, aching feeling get stronger… and then release a bit, with a sigh, when I acknowledge how sad it is.
What does it have to do with not making phone calls? If we try to understand that at this point we will likely stop the process. Instead, let's go on.
I sit with the sad feeling, not so achy now, and I sense that the image has changed. Now I'm seeing myself, in college, sitting with a group of friends, being louder and funnier than I really feel inside. It feels like the same thing. My body is showing me that this is the same thing: being left out on the playground, being too loud in college… and maybe also not making phone calls. I don't understand it yet, but I can feel it. Focusing has taken me down to a place where all of these particular issues are rooted, they are one.
The part of me that I'm keeping company with shows me something about not wanting to be rejected… wanting to belong… I let it know I really hear it. I feel the release again, a little bigger this time.
By the end of the Focusing session, I still may not "understand," in the sense of being able to explain exactly what it all means. But my body feels different. And I may well find myself being able to make those phone calls now.
