Are you torn between giving to a family member vs. honoring your own needs? Read on…
Julie writes:
My sister wants me to visit her and I’m not sure I want to.
A part of me is trying so hard to respect my values and needs and another part wants to take care of my sister’s needs, and is worried about her being upset with me for not coming.
A third part says: Julie, you put too much pressure on yourself! It’s hard on you! When the third part spoke I felt a great relief. I know I need to listen more to the first two parts but I’m not sure how to invite them.
Dear Julie:
No wonder you felt relief when you heard that third part! It was inviting you to be more gentle with yourself. It’s such a good idea to be gentle with ourselves, especially when there’s an inner conflict that’s hard to resolve.
We can always take a deep breath and say, “OK, let’s take this slowly. One step at a time.”
And then, as you know, the next step is to listen to all the parts, for what they are worried about and what they are wanting.
So… something in you wants to respect your own values and needs. You might say hello to that part, and then sense what it wants you to be able to feel, from respecting your own values and needs. Just listen.
When it feels right, you can turn toward the other one, the one that wants to take care of your sister’s needs, and is worried about her being upset with you if you don’t do what she wants. Sounds like you’ve already made a good start in sensing what that one is worried about!
Next, you might sense what this part is worried will happen if your sister is upset with you. What it doesn’t want to happen if that happens. You might be surprised by its response, so really take time to listen. Don’t guess. Listening for its response takes more time… but brings more resolution when its heard.
Above all, be gentle with yourself all along the way.
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