"Focusing seems to make me feel more vulnerable and open to people"
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Anna writes: "I have a question. Maybe you could shed some light on this? 🙂
Focusing seems to make me feel more vulnerable and too open to people.
"Right after I do Focusing, I end up feeling very open, 'too friendly' to everyone. A bit out of synch with reality. I live in a big city, have a busy office job. But if I take
a break to do Focusing, after that I feel at peace with myself, very open and friendly to my colleagues. I start liking everyone around me, and striving for deeper connections. But that's not what people around me want. A short small talk is appropriate, but not something meaningful and deep, which is what I am wanting.
"So I'm starting to avoid doing Focusing at all, since I'm becoming more vulnerable to the surroundings and feel out of synch with accepted social norms… Maybe I'm doing something wrong.. Or maybe I can focus on this sense of vulnerability…or striving for a deeper connection with people…"
Dear Anna,
It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong… not at all.
But you are encountering one of the biggest "dangers" of Focusing — that you might find yourself realizing that what you want is not what you have, that you might need to change your life…
Funny how we can go for years living in an environment that doesn't suit us, tolerating relationships that don't fulfill us, and as long as we are not in touch with ourselves, we don't know how much that kind of life is hurting us. (But it still is.)
It sounds like your Focusing is doing just what it should: opening you up to what YOU need and want, and even making you more likely to take actions, like talking to people in a friendly way, that could lead to more of what you want.
Then you encounter the mis-match between what you want and what you have. You live in a big city, you have a busy office job, the people around you don't seem to want meaningful and deep conversations. There's nothing wrong with you — or them — but there is a knowing in you that this is not what is right for you, and this knowing is going to keep getting stronger.
The good news is that acknowledging this mis-match, acknowledging that what you need is not what you have, will lead to some relief. If you can't change your life right away, you can at least acknowledge that what you want is not what you are encountering. This is a step.
"How do I focus on wanting to connect with people?"
Before I could write back, I heard from Anna again. She had already gotten a further step.
"Basically I think I just have this yearning for deep connection with a lot of people
around, and I just like a lot of people, which is not really socially acceptable. If Focusing could help me with this, it would be great… But I don't know what to focus on… It's easier to focus on some sharp problem, or some unfortunate event, or some repetitive behavior, but how to focus on 'emptiness', or 'wanting to connect with a lot of people' I'm not too sure."
That's a great place to start a Focusing session — with wanting!
After bringing awareness into your body, take time to invite the feeling of the yearning. Let it come freshly right now, and listen… sense… take time to get to know it better. The feeling of yearning actually knows a lot about what you really want. And people often don't take time to allow and welcome feelings of wanting and yearning, especially if they don't see a way forward yet. Here's what's great: the feeling of the yearning itself, held in a Focusing way, can show you the way forward.
Anna adds: "I'm actually thinking to move away from this big city to a small quiet city, but it's such a big change and I'm a bit scared…"
Good, you know how to do Focusing with that! 😉
