Is Focusing "self-help" as in "You're doing too much self-help"?
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Susan writes: "One of my friends insists that focusing is 'self-help'. Her opinion is that I am doing too much 'self-help', which she believes can become an indulgence and crutch. How would you compare self-help and focusing?"
Dear Susan,
Well, sure, Focusing is self-help. It's something you do for yourself that helps.
Obviously your friend means something else when she disdains "self-help." We can only guess what that is… but a quick Google search yields an article called "Five Signs Self-Help is Ruining Your Life" that we might take as typical. (It's here.)
The arguments seem to boil down to:
(1) If you need help there is something wrong with you.
(2) It's OK to a certain extent but not if you overdo it.
(3) Studying the game is not the same as playing it (ie living your life).
Number One is just sneering. Number Two can be said about anything on earth. That brings us to Number Three.
Is Focusing not living one's life? Surely this would be a serious issue, if true. The idea seems to be that "self-help" delays or substitutes for the real activities of living. Your friend's words–"indulgence" and "crutch"–suggest that this is her view.
Let me be clear… (as my favorite President is fond of saying). Focusing is not an indulgence. Chocolate ice cream–now that's an indulgence!
Focusing is a way of encountering life itself
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When I do Focusing, I am seeking to know myself better. If this is an indulgence, blame Socrates, who said "The unexamined life is not worth living."
When I do Focusing, I become more clear about my priorities. I value my relationships. I change… I don't stay stuck in the same ruts. I surprise myself. I move into my potential.
Focusing lets me meet other people directly, with "nothing in between" (as Gene Gendlin famously recommends to therapists). My relationships are enormously better now than before Focusing. I do feel I'm living my life.
Yes, I'd say Focusing is self-help. And if self-help has a bad name… with some… it could be because not everyone uses it wisely (which is not self-help's fault) or it could be because its critics have an unmet need that they are not expressing.
So I'm curious… about your friend. You might want to be curious, too. Is there some kind of connection with you that she wishes for, that isn't happening? Is she seeing changes in you that scare her, because they challenge a part of her that isn't ready for change? Is she, perhaps, asking to understand better what you're doing when you're off Focusing? What starts as criticism can be an opportunity for connection.
