This week's question comes from Nass, who describes himself as a
beginner. He wondered if the question might be a bit 'stupid'. I don't
think so, do you? Read on…
"What if I don't want to say everything to my Companion?"
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Nass writes: "What if I don't want to say everything to my Companion? Does it hamper Focusing?"
Dear Nass,
Great question! This is an opportunity to look at the process of Focusing partnership.
When
you're Focusing with another person (we call that person the
"Companion" because they keep you company), there is always more going
in on you than you can say.
You can't say everything… so what do you choose to say?
The
most important thing to remember is that you are speaking for yourself,
to yourself. You are not speaking to inform your Companion. So this is
not like a conversation, not like "telling" the other person. This can
feel a bit strange at first, but once we get used to it, it feels
great! We are rarely given a space and time that is just for ourselves.
Since you are speaking for yourself, to yourself, what do you say?
Well, one way to put would be: You say what you want to stay with.
If I feel a tightness in my chest, and I want to stay with that tightness, I say, "There's a tightness in my chest."
And my Companion might say back, "You're sensing a tightness there, in your chest."
Next,
it's my job to use my Companion's words to help me stay with, and
sense, what feels like "tightness." I'll be sensing for what "more" is
there, that hasn't been put into words yet. I'll take my time, not feel
like I have to rush. My Companion is comfortable with my silence. When
I do sense something more, I'll say that. And we go forward from there.
Focusing without saying what it's about
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You
don't have to tell the story or say the life circumstances that you are
Focusing on. You can if you want to… and for some people, telling the
story helps the felt sense come. But you don't have to.
Focusing works fine if your Companion never knows what it's about.
"I
know what this tightness is about. It's about what happened yesterday.
And I'm just sitting with it, with interested curiosity."
Your
Companion will never ask, "So what happened yesterday?" It's not about
the Companion knowing what happened! It's about YOUR Focusing process.
So
you can (and should!) always sense from inside what feels right to say,
in service of your own Focusing–what will carry your process forward
for itself.
(I know one Focusing couple, married many years, who
say that the secret of their being able to be Focusing partners for
each other is that they never say what the Focusing is about!)
