What if there’s a part of you that is scared to be seen? Read on…
A Reader writes:
Working with your course Loving the Unlovable, I became aware of a part that is very scared I will make “a show” of myself. It often calls another part of me stupid/unattractive and that part stays low, doesn’t like to be seen.
That got me in touch with something in me that that longs to be delighted in, met, seen with loving eyes. (Which was often not the case.) I long to approach people I find interesting or would like to engage with warmly and instead I feel afraid or go mute. Might you have anything to say on this?
Dear Kim:
You are doing a beautiful job of becoming aware of the tender, hurt places inside you, parts that are connected with not having been met with loving eyes long ago, when it should have happened originally.
You are noticing what happens when you approach people longing to be met by them. Something in you gets scared and goes mute, and the opportunity is lost… and the cycle repeats.
What I would like to say is that now, today, the first person to gaze on you with loving eyes is you.
You are the one who can turn toward those scared parts inside of you, the ones that are afraid to be seen, afraid to be called “unattractive” or worse.
You are the one who can say to them, with kindness, “I know, that’s scary. This is hard for you. And I’m here with you now.”
Take time to be gentle with yourself, to develop this inner relationship. Maybe put a hand on your heart, and sit down with the feeling like you would sit with a friend.
You’re not trying to change the feeling. It can feel the way it feels. You are giving it company.
Amazingly, it’s that quality of just keeping company, without trying to change anything, that can bring change. It’s what Carl Rogers called “the curious paradox.”
It’s what has always been missing, and now it can be filled in. And after a while you may find yourself going toward other people, with one arm around the little scared one inside, and you may find that this time, something new can happen.
