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Focusing Tip #349 – “Can I bring my own feelings in when I am listening?”
- by Ann Weiser Cornell“I might reflect based on my assumptions which are not the Focuser’s.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A few weeks ago we talked about the importance of the Companion being genuine, able to express some of his or her own feelings, in the process of reflecting or saying back what the Focuser says. Sally writes: “I’ve been very interested in the discussion over how Companions reflect what the Focuser says, but while I agree it’s helpful not to simply reflect in a basic way, I feel I need to be careful that the way I’m reflecting isn’t an assumption based on how I…
Ann Weiser CornellFocusing Tip #348 – On emotional eating and Focusing
- by Ann Weiser Cornell“Could emotional eating be helped if I separate feelings from actions?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Deborah writes: “Might you speak more to this comment you wrote last week: ‘I think it is important to “un-link” feelings and actions. There is no feeling that leads inevitably to some action. We have choice in our actions, not so much in our feelings.’? “I was wondering how that relates to emotional eating, eating to stuff down feelings. I often get stuck in this mode of eating. I get confused, wondering if there is a part that learned to cover feelings with this ‘habit’. I am…
Ann Weiser CornellFocusing Tip #347 – “Is my love for my ex-partner just a part of me?”
- by Ann Weiser Cornell“Could calling something a part lead to not taking it seriously enough?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Reader writes: “Isn’t there a risk, if we always put our inner self into parts, that we sometimes don’t take very important feelings or issues seriously enough? “For example: I recently spent some time with my ex-partner, having not seen him for a long time. I realized that I still have a deep love for him, despite being aware of the things that didn’t work out very well when we were together. I am now in a new relationship and I feel its very difficult…
Ann Weiser CornellFocusing Tip #346 – Is it OK to feel love for my parts?
- by Ann Weiser Cornell“Am I still Self-in-Presence when I feel & express love for a part?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Reader writes: “What about showing and feeling empathy from the Self-in-Presence position? I am a bit confused about this because you wrote somewhere that it was important to distinguish between Self-in-Presence and a part which wants to make the troubled part feel better. “So, recently, I did Focusing from a kind of neutral Self-in-Presence position, saying ‘I hear you’ and ‘no wonder…’ etc. but not feeling anything for the part – in order to avoid shifting into a part that wants the other part…
Ann Weiser CornellFocusing Tip #345 – More about feeling heard by a Focusing partner
- by Ann Weiser Cornell“The Companion affirms the Focuser’s emotional soundtrack.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Emily, who is in my certification training, has something to add to my response two weeks ago to a reader who felt her Focusing partner was just reflecting superficially, and didn’t feel heard. I suggested checking out whether the partner had gotten distracted, and talked about deeper levels of empathy. Emily writes to me: “All the things you describe are essential–they need to be there. But having my Companion reflect with some indication of the meaning in their vocal quality is really the biggest feedback to me that they are ‘with’…
Ann Weiser CornellFocusing Tip #344: “I can’t set aside my anger & enjoy life.”
- by Ann Weiser CornellPaul writes: “An issue recently came up between myself and a friend, and I grew agitated and angry. She went on vacation. Even though I could see it was probably better to deal with it when she was back in town in three weeks, I sent her an email, she responded, I responded, she responded, still by the third morning I woke up with plenty of anger about it all as an unresolved issue. “It so happened that for the first time in quite a while our kids were out of town, and my wife and I had been looking…
Ann Weiser CornellFocusing Tip #343 – “I didn’t feel my Focusing partner really heard me.”
- by Ann Weiser Cornell“I had the feeling that my partner wasn’t really getting what I was saying.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Reader writes: “Recently I was focusing with an experienced partner. He reflected what I said at the beginning and I found myself saying more. It was something like, Yes, like that and blah blah blah. Then a few more interchanges occurred and he reflected again. This time, in my mind, I heard a voice that said, ‘He doesn’t get it. He’s just repeating back what I said. He’s just rephrasing my ideas at a very superficial level.’ This thought made it difficult for…
Ann Weiser CornellFocusing Tip #342: Telling a Part That I Will Make the Decision
- by Ann Weiser Cornell“I think this will be very helpful with my eating compulsions…” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We’ve been having a series of Weekly Tips about being Self-in-Presence with parts of us that might seem monstrous, but which turn out to be trying to protect us or bring us gifts of various sorts. Last week I was talking about the difference between accepting the feelings of parts of you, which I recommend, versus giving them the car keys and allowing them to take actions in your life, which I do not recommend. I said that as Self-in-Presence you can say to your parts, “I’ll…
Ann Weiser CornellFocusing Tip #341: Are there really no monsters inside us?
- by Ann Weiser CornellLast week I wrote that there are no monsters inside us. I heard back from Tom, who wrote, “But in some people there are (Ted Bundy etc.).” That was the day before we sadly had a contemporary example of a person behaving in a monstrous way at a midnight movie in Aurora, Colorado. Humans are the most dangerous enemy that humans have, and my heart is heavy. (I would also love to see some stronger gun control in this country!) But I don’t take back what I said. There are not monstrous parts, just monstrous actions. It is not…
Ann Weiser CornellFocusing Tip #340: There Are No Monsters Inside of You
- by Ann Weiser CornellThere are no monsters inside us… only parts that look like monsters to other parts of us. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last week we heard from Anna, who was responding to my YouTube video where I talk about accepting “our darkest parts” as honored guests. She said she had a hard time accepting a part of her that seemed scary, full of intensity, like a dark monster. In my response I recommended not trying to be with the “scary” parts at first, but turning toward “something in you” that finds them scary. But another reader wrote in to say: “I do get…
Ann Weiser Cornell